Beginnings and Endings

Today marks an ending and a beginning for me. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling today. Maybe I should back up a little bit and try to process it a little better.

This past weekend has been one of contentment and happiness. I spent so much time with the man I love, and just being with him gave me such a sense of peace and contentment and joy. I have never felt so at home and comfortable with anyone. He is so much an extension of me and I feel as though I am an extension of him. Where does one begin and the other one end? On Friday, I vowed I would enjoy as much of the weekend as he would share with me and take it for just that and nothing more.

But as the weekend progressed, my thoughts changed. Watching him Saturday night as he shaved, I realized that I can't settle for only a small portion of him. I need and want him in my life as much as I need and want air to breathe. At that point, I knew it had to be all or nothing. It's who I am anyway. I've always been the type of person who gives their all to a relationship. I can't do it halfway. So I found myself again making a different vow.

My vow became that before the weekend ended, I would tell him that we can't be halfway in a relationship, together but not together. Only misery awaits us on that path. And I vowed that whatever his response might be, I would be ok. If he couldn't give me his all, then I would walk away and remember him in love and affection. But I would move forward and be a stronger person for the experiences.

Little did I know that fate would intervene. Sunday morning brought a surprise visitor to our doorstep, although in reality, it wasn't much of a surprise. I think all along I knew in my gut that that person's perspective on the situation was exactly as I thought. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite the same as reality. Despite my loathing of such drama, perhaps it was for the best as it brought things out into the open and the large pink elephant sitting in the middle of the room can't be ignored or avoided any longer by any of us.

I can only speak to my feelings through all this, but that visit was a catalyst of change for me. I knew at that point that without a doubt, I was right in my assessment of how I felt and what I needed to do for myself. I spent Sunday with my love and enjoyed every minute of it but at the same time I was reflecting on what had been, what was, and what could be. By Sunday night, I knew I had to tell him where I stood.

It's most surprising really that I am that way with him, meaning I feel the need to share my feelings and my thoughts with him so readily and frequently. I've always kept my wall up so that I didn't feel the need to share with anyone so very much of my inner self. Self-protection or survival mode, I suppose. But perhaps the most wonderful blessing that has come from my relationship with him has been the slow but steady demolition of this wall I have had around my heart and my innermost self for so very long.

And that gets me to the point of why today feels like an ending and a beginning. I did make him aware of my stance and he chose to move forward with me rather than without me. If only he knew the joy in my heart for that decision, he would be so amazed. With all these events that have occurred, today I'm a different person. Today was the ending of an era in my life where the need to maintain a stronghold around my innermost self from everyone disappeared. The feeling that I must protect myself at all costs, even from him, ended. It is perhaps the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced, albeit a frightening one in some aspects. It gives him so much power to hurt me, but I don't believe he would ever purposely hurt me. It pains him when I do hurt.

So today's ending of that self-protective need also made way for a new beginning, a chance to experience life with him with no barriers that I've erected between us. I can only imagine the richness of the life we can have together when there's no real beginning or ending of one or the other of us but rather a merging of the two into one unit. Without that barrier, there is only a continuum that flows between the two.

I don't fool myself into believing everything will be easy and that, from here on out, all will go smoothly. There are many outside barriers and hurdles to overcome. There are tough and trying times ahead. But I know that I am now willing to stand naked to the core of my being before this man and give him all there is of me, both good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, and stand beside him and face anything and everything we encounter on life's path.

I've never been more authentic and real than I am with him. More than anything, I look forward to the tomorrows that are ahead because I begin as a new being with an open heart and mind and soul. How do you ever show someone enough gratitude for giving you that gift along with all the happiness that they give you? I don't really know but I'll spend every day doing my best to show him how grateful I am and the love I have for him. I don't know what the future may hold but I look at it with new eyes today.