When I was in high school, I read and analyzed the book, The Scarlett Letter, for honors English. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, in short, the plot revolves around the life of a woman who is convicted of adultery evident by the birth of her daughter when her husband was assumed lost at sea. She is to wear a scarlett "A" upon her chest to signify her status and her "sin". When she is released from prison, she chooses to remain in her home rather than move and continues her life as before bearing the consequences of those actions. She becomes a provider for the poor and needy although she herself has little. There is much much more to the story including her "lost" husband returning and assuming a false identity, the denial of her child by her lover, and the interplay of relationships between them all. Over the past few days, I've felt as though I've had that scarlett letter "A" on my chest.
Either I had forgotten or just didn't realize what it is like to be the object of scorn and ridicule and aminosity. It's difficult to know that people think poorly of me when I know what kind of person I am and what my heart is like. It's quite unnerving to look into the face of someone you don't even know, a complete stranger to you, and see such resentment and disgust and anger and scorn directed towards you. I'm not saying that others should not have a right to their opinion or a right to voice it. However, how unfair and troublesome it is to think that people are so close minded that they don't think about the fact that there are always more sides to a story than one, and it is prudent to hear from all parties before making a judgment and speaking ill of others. Furthermore, sometimes it's wise to just say this is none of my business and I don't even know all the facts; therefore, I'll refrain from commenting or judging anyone.
Unfortunately, it seems some would like to attack me and my character for choices I've made in recent times. My relationship with my boyfriend who is currently married but separated and my actions regarding our relationship and how I've chosen to publicize my love for and life with him has fallen under great scrutiny.
I offer no excuses for the choices I've made. They were not choices I made without inner debate and concern. However, this man has brought a joy to my life that I can no more hide from others than I can hide my face. What person does not want to share with others when they feel such a profound joy? I won't apologize for nor deny my feelings. I do not deny that I am a passionate woman in many senses. I am passionate about my life, my family, my friends, my hobby, and without a doubt, about this man and the love I share with him. But I do not love nor play indiscriminately with others. That is not what these people would say about me but then they do not know me. They are basing their opinion on a solitary situation, a relationship of which they know only one person's view.
When I experienced such a show of undisguised disgust and anger from a stranger, it upset me far more than I let on. I blew the occurence off but still it hurt me. Maybe more when the identity of the person became known just because of the connection between my boyfriend and his best friend. I don't want him to ever feel ashamed of me and choices I've made. If I feel as though I am an extension of him, then it means my every action must be representative of him and his thoughts as well. I want him to be proud to call me his. I must say that, as he always does, he touched my heart by his immediate concern and exploration into the who and why of it and the fact that he stood up for me and tried to take that criticism upon himself and remove the focus from me. My heart swelled with gratitude and love for him, for those actions by him show how he feels about me. In reality, we both share the responsibility for how our relationship has evolved. I knew the possible consequences just as well as anyone.
However, little do these nay-sayers know that I would endure years of shame or scorn or whatever emotion they are attempting to evoke if it meant having the love of this man. The desire to do two things is apparent from them: to make me feel alienated from the good upstanding public and as though I am less than fit for society and secondly, to pressure me into removing any evidence of this love we share. However, I've never been one to simply cave in just because others deem it the "right" thing. My choice is to stand firm with my head held high. I have not hidden behind any falsity as some have or might. All my friends know of the situation in which I am in. That does not mean they know each and every minute detail but they know how I feel, the choices I've made, and the relationship I'm in. They are under no illusion as to how it began and how it has progressed. Some agree; some disagree with it but no one has treated me with contempt or as a pariah to society. Therefore I shun the society represented by those who would judge me and him without even attempting to have the forethought to explore every angle. And furthermore, the request to remove all evidence of our love is now falling on deaf ears. I will not hide our relationship. I have no intentions of flaunting it in anyone's face. That is not who I am. I am simply filled with happiness and I want to share it. And as long as he does not feel I am overstepping boundaries and as long as he indicates his love for and desire to be in a relationship with me and remains separated and hopefully in the future divorced, then I won't hold back from sharing parts of my life that include him with my friends and family.
I think what it boils down to is I alone will determine my own identity and actions rather than allowing others to determine it for me. Yes, it would be easier and more palatable for others if I were to pretend we are not together and to remove all evidence that we are or ever were, but to do so would be an acknowledgment of their power over me. It would be an admittance of shame and regret for the relationship. And that is something I do not feel. To pretend this relationship never happened or isn't happening would mean denying a part of myself. Yes, I wish things had occurred in a different manner; however, they did not, and now I have to take the circumstances as they have occurred and not reject them as a part of who I am but reconfigure myself to gain strength and individuality from the experience. It is an experience from which I will grow and learn and become a better me.
And the more people try to tear me and/or him down and to tear us apart only provides more opportunity for us to grow individually and to grow together building upon the strength of the bond we share. I will not easily nor readily give that up. He makes my life come to life. He brings a passion to my world in so many ways that was non-existent. I'm many things but I'm not foolish enough to let go of someone who lights up my world simply by walking in a room or seeing his name cross my phone or seeing him smile simply because certain members of society choose to criticize and judge for the way in which it came about. So the world (or those few people at the least) can be damned...as long as he loves me and stands beside me against the world or whoever should choose to be against us, together or individually, then I'd lay my bets on us.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Choices -- The Choices We Make In Life
I could spend quite a bit of time writing about the choices we make in life, and frankly, I probably will in the near future because that very topic has been on my mind for the last couple days, but I can't take credit for this writing. A friend sent this piece to me over 2 years ago, and I recently found a portion of it that I had printed and put away for future reference. Today I went looking for and found the remainder of it. It's as true today as it was when I first received it.
"The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.
Consider this: Never receive counsel from unproductive people. Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person. Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere. With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it. Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. 'A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.' The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.
Note: Be not mistaken. This is applicable to family as well as friends. Yes...do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above.
In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us. In Adversity We Know Our Friends."
"The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don't increase you will eventually decrease you.
Consider this: Never receive counsel from unproductive people. Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.
You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person. Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere. With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it. Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. 'A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.' The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate - for the good and the bad.
Note: Be not mistaken. This is applicable to family as well as friends. Yes...do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above.
In Prosperity Our Friends Know Us. In Adversity We Know Our Friends."
How Do You Help Someone to Say Goodbye?
There's a song sung by Patty Loveless entitled "How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye?"
The lyrics are as follows:
Through the back window of a '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her
And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase
I held a picture of our wedding day
His hands were trembling, we both were crying
He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away
I called up Mama, she said, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
As we go through life, we find ourselves saying goodbye to friends, co-workers, family members, spouses, and partners for a variety of reasons just as described in that song. Perhaps it's a friend moving away, the changing of a job, the death of a loved one, or the ending of a relationship. Regardless of the reason, those moments are the times when we grow as individuals and become stronger and better people although in the intensity of the moment, all we may be able to see or feel is the pain associated with saying goodbye.
I think it takes almost superhuman strength to watch someone you love struggle with saying goodbye. It's such a helpless feeling because there is truly nothing you can do for that person. All the advice and insight in the world doesn't necessarily help the other say goodbye and move on.
My thoughts on saying good-bye to the past:
The past cannot be re-done or undone. It's behind you. You can only go forward from this point one moment at a time. So if a past memory comes up, allow it to! What is it trying to tell you? How do you really feel about it? Come into your truth. Then, go with what you are getting. Be REAL! Be honest with yourself about how the past really was, the good times and the bad times, and how your life might have continued to be.
The only time it will serve you to think about the past is when you truly want to learn and grow from your past experiences. Trying to bring back the past is like trying to bring back a breeze that passed by. But, you can always have a new breeze come your way.
The greatest thing you can do with your memories of the past is give them a lot of love, because they did serve you well, especially if they were difficult. If you are dwelling in a negative manner, then this is hindering your growth. Ask yourself what you have learned, and what means the most to you. Above all, trust that you would not be where you are today if those experiences were not in your life, and you are not meant to keep re-living the events of your past.
Be about creating new, positive and life enriching ones. You can trust one thing, however, and that is that if it is meant to be for your highest good, it will be, no matter which way it turns out.
In a nutshell, view the past with love and appreciation. Then you can take all of the growth you have made and create, live, be and express so much more.
TRUST that everything that has happened and does happen is meant for your highest good. Go with what your inner being and gut feelings are telling you! ALWAYS follow your inner guidance. THAT is what will create your "future" and it will result in the greatest life you could possibly have.
Sometimes the past feels like a brick wall standing in our way. But realize that brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want something. So we must break through it or go around it or over it to obtain what is most important to us and what we want most. Sometimes we must say good-bye to our past in order to embrace a present and a future that makes us want to get out of bed every morning and pursue our dreams and goals.
The lyrics are as follows:
Through the back window of a '59 wagon
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away
I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her
And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase
I held a picture of our wedding day
His hands were trembling, we both were crying
He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away
I called up Mama, she said, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same
And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?
As we go through life, we find ourselves saying goodbye to friends, co-workers, family members, spouses, and partners for a variety of reasons just as described in that song. Perhaps it's a friend moving away, the changing of a job, the death of a loved one, or the ending of a relationship. Regardless of the reason, those moments are the times when we grow as individuals and become stronger and better people although in the intensity of the moment, all we may be able to see or feel is the pain associated with saying goodbye.
I think it takes almost superhuman strength to watch someone you love struggle with saying goodbye. It's such a helpless feeling because there is truly nothing you can do for that person. All the advice and insight in the world doesn't necessarily help the other say goodbye and move on.
My thoughts on saying good-bye to the past:
The past cannot be re-done or undone. It's behind you. You can only go forward from this point one moment at a time. So if a past memory comes up, allow it to! What is it trying to tell you? How do you really feel about it? Come into your truth. Then, go with what you are getting. Be REAL! Be honest with yourself about how the past really was, the good times and the bad times, and how your life might have continued to be.
The only time it will serve you to think about the past is when you truly want to learn and grow from your past experiences. Trying to bring back the past is like trying to bring back a breeze that passed by. But, you can always have a new breeze come your way.
The greatest thing you can do with your memories of the past is give them a lot of love, because they did serve you well, especially if they were difficult. If you are dwelling in a negative manner, then this is hindering your growth. Ask yourself what you have learned, and what means the most to you. Above all, trust that you would not be where you are today if those experiences were not in your life, and you are not meant to keep re-living the events of your past.
Be about creating new, positive and life enriching ones. You can trust one thing, however, and that is that if it is meant to be for your highest good, it will be, no matter which way it turns out.
In a nutshell, view the past with love and appreciation. Then you can take all of the growth you have made and create, live, be and express so much more.
TRUST that everything that has happened and does happen is meant for your highest good. Go with what your inner being and gut feelings are telling you! ALWAYS follow your inner guidance. THAT is what will create your "future" and it will result in the greatest life you could possibly have.
Sometimes the past feels like a brick wall standing in our way. But realize that brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want something. So we must break through it or go around it or over it to obtain what is most important to us and what we want most. Sometimes we must say good-bye to our past in order to embrace a present and a future that makes us want to get out of bed every morning and pursue our dreams and goals.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Beginnings and Endings
Today marks an ending and a beginning for me. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling today. Maybe I should back up a little bit and try to process it a little better.
This past weekend has been one of contentment and happiness. I spent so much time with the man I love, and just being with him gave me such a sense of peace and contentment and joy. I have never felt so at home and comfortable with anyone. He is so much an extension of me and I feel as though I am an extension of him. Where does one begin and the other one end? On Friday, I vowed I would enjoy as much of the weekend as he would share with me and take it for just that and nothing more.
But as the weekend progressed, my thoughts changed. Watching him Saturday night as he shaved, I realized that I can't settle for only a small portion of him. I need and want him in my life as much as I need and want air to breathe. At that point, I knew it had to be all or nothing. It's who I am anyway. I've always been the type of person who gives their all to a relationship. I can't do it halfway. So I found myself again making a different vow.
My vow became that before the weekend ended, I would tell him that we can't be halfway in a relationship, together but not together. Only misery awaits us on that path. And I vowed that whatever his response might be, I would be ok. If he couldn't give me his all, then I would walk away and remember him in love and affection. But I would move forward and be a stronger person for the experiences.
Little did I know that fate would intervene. Sunday morning brought a surprise visitor to our doorstep, although in reality, it wasn't much of a surprise. I think all along I knew in my gut that that person's perspective on the situation was exactly as I thought. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite the same as reality. Despite my loathing of such drama, perhaps it was for the best as it brought things out into the open and the large pink elephant sitting in the middle of the room can't be ignored or avoided any longer by any of us.
I can only speak to my feelings through all this, but that visit was a catalyst of change for me. I knew at that point that without a doubt, I was right in my assessment of how I felt and what I needed to do for myself. I spent Sunday with my love and enjoyed every minute of it but at the same time I was reflecting on what had been, what was, and what could be. By Sunday night, I knew I had to tell him where I stood.
It's most surprising really that I am that way with him, meaning I feel the need to share my feelings and my thoughts with him so readily and frequently. I've always kept my wall up so that I didn't feel the need to share with anyone so very much of my inner self. Self-protection or survival mode, I suppose. But perhaps the most wonderful blessing that has come from my relationship with him has been the slow but steady demolition of this wall I have had around my heart and my innermost self for so very long.
And that gets me to the point of why today feels like an ending and a beginning. I did make him aware of my stance and he chose to move forward with me rather than without me. If only he knew the joy in my heart for that decision, he would be so amazed. With all these events that have occurred, today I'm a different person. Today was the ending of an era in my life where the need to maintain a stronghold around my innermost self from everyone disappeared. The feeling that I must protect myself at all costs, even from him, ended. It is perhaps the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced, albeit a frightening one in some aspects. It gives him so much power to hurt me, but I don't believe he would ever purposely hurt me. It pains him when I do hurt.
So today's ending of that self-protective need also made way for a new beginning, a chance to experience life with him with no barriers that I've erected between us. I can only imagine the richness of the life we can have together when there's no real beginning or ending of one or the other of us but rather a merging of the two into one unit. Without that barrier, there is only a continuum that flows between the two.
I don't fool myself into believing everything will be easy and that, from here on out, all will go smoothly. There are many outside barriers and hurdles to overcome. There are tough and trying times ahead. But I know that I am now willing to stand naked to the core of my being before this man and give him all there is of me, both good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, and stand beside him and face anything and everything we encounter on life's path.
I've never been more authentic and real than I am with him. More than anything, I look forward to the tomorrows that are ahead because I begin as a new being with an open heart and mind and soul. How do you ever show someone enough gratitude for giving you that gift along with all the happiness that they give you? I don't really know but I'll spend every day doing my best to show him how grateful I am and the love I have for him. I don't know what the future may hold but I look at it with new eyes today.
This past weekend has been one of contentment and happiness. I spent so much time with the man I love, and just being with him gave me such a sense of peace and contentment and joy. I have never felt so at home and comfortable with anyone. He is so much an extension of me and I feel as though I am an extension of him. Where does one begin and the other one end? On Friday, I vowed I would enjoy as much of the weekend as he would share with me and take it for just that and nothing more.
But as the weekend progressed, my thoughts changed. Watching him Saturday night as he shaved, I realized that I can't settle for only a small portion of him. I need and want him in my life as much as I need and want air to breathe. At that point, I knew it had to be all or nothing. It's who I am anyway. I've always been the type of person who gives their all to a relationship. I can't do it halfway. So I found myself again making a different vow.
My vow became that before the weekend ended, I would tell him that we can't be halfway in a relationship, together but not together. Only misery awaits us on that path. And I vowed that whatever his response might be, I would be ok. If he couldn't give me his all, then I would walk away and remember him in love and affection. But I would move forward and be a stronger person for the experiences.
Little did I know that fate would intervene. Sunday morning brought a surprise visitor to our doorstep, although in reality, it wasn't much of a surprise. I think all along I knew in my gut that that person's perspective on the situation was exactly as I thought. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite the same as reality. Despite my loathing of such drama, perhaps it was for the best as it brought things out into the open and the large pink elephant sitting in the middle of the room can't be ignored or avoided any longer by any of us.
I can only speak to my feelings through all this, but that visit was a catalyst of change for me. I knew at that point that without a doubt, I was right in my assessment of how I felt and what I needed to do for myself. I spent Sunday with my love and enjoyed every minute of it but at the same time I was reflecting on what had been, what was, and what could be. By Sunday night, I knew I had to tell him where I stood.
It's most surprising really that I am that way with him, meaning I feel the need to share my feelings and my thoughts with him so readily and frequently. I've always kept my wall up so that I didn't feel the need to share with anyone so very much of my inner self. Self-protection or survival mode, I suppose. But perhaps the most wonderful blessing that has come from my relationship with him has been the slow but steady demolition of this wall I have had around my heart and my innermost self for so very long.
And that gets me to the point of why today feels like an ending and a beginning. I did make him aware of my stance and he chose to move forward with me rather than without me. If only he knew the joy in my heart for that decision, he would be so amazed. With all these events that have occurred, today I'm a different person. Today was the ending of an era in my life where the need to maintain a stronghold around my innermost self from everyone disappeared. The feeling that I must protect myself at all costs, even from him, ended. It is perhaps the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced, albeit a frightening one in some aspects. It gives him so much power to hurt me, but I don't believe he would ever purposely hurt me. It pains him when I do hurt.
So today's ending of that self-protective need also made way for a new beginning, a chance to experience life with him with no barriers that I've erected between us. I can only imagine the richness of the life we can have together when there's no real beginning or ending of one or the other of us but rather a merging of the two into one unit. Without that barrier, there is only a continuum that flows between the two.
I don't fool myself into believing everything will be easy and that, from here on out, all will go smoothly. There are many outside barriers and hurdles to overcome. There are tough and trying times ahead. But I know that I am now willing to stand naked to the core of my being before this man and give him all there is of me, both good and bad, strengths and weaknesses, and stand beside him and face anything and everything we encounter on life's path.
I've never been more authentic and real than I am with him. More than anything, I look forward to the tomorrows that are ahead because I begin as a new being with an open heart and mind and soul. How do you ever show someone enough gratitude for giving you that gift along with all the happiness that they give you? I don't really know but I'll spend every day doing my best to show him how grateful I am and the love I have for him. I don't know what the future may hold but I look at it with new eyes today.
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